When the words won't come...

I haven't had the energy to even think about putting together a blog post and I still don't. I have also not been in the mood to sit down and write. At the moment I struggle to stay awake past 10pm and most of the time I don't even try to resist the urge to sleep. When I wake up in the morning I am still tired and by the time 5pm comes around and I am officially off work all I want to do is sleep.

I have a dozen of stories in my head which I want to share, but I can't find the right words to get me started. My mind is like a blank page of paper. When I try to fill it the lights go out and I sit in the darkness with no idea how to find the light switch.

Since I came back from China my life has been nothing short of a roller coaster with far too many downs and only a few ups. I have nothing to say. Everything I want to say can't be said because it's only a bunch of half-truths and unfinished business. I don't have the energy or the strength to try and make sense of what's happening, what might happen, what might not happen and what will happen. I need to deal with things and work everything out first before I can even begin to try and put any of that down on paper.

There's nothing interesting about my life, nothing to see, nothing to tell. I don't have any stories or words. I tweet to distract myself or read the news. Most of my free time is spend on my iPad playing mindless games or watching TV series on YouTube. Occasionally I will talk to close friends or meet a friend. Other than that I've also been focusing on my Mandarin studies. I haven't been learning as such but I am reading a lot and brushing up on my characters. I try to get on top of my grammar and I have plenty of mock exams of the HSK Level 4 exam on the table in front of me but just one look at it turns my stomach. I don't have the energy to concentrate on the exam, let alone the preparation it requires.

I find myself thinking that I shouldn't be so cryptic on my blog and just come right out and say it but I don't want share anything, I can't share anything. I'm not strictly keeping things to myself because there are people who know what's going in but that's about as far as I am willing to go. So for the time being I must continue to be cryptic and leave things unexplained. Some things just need to be left unsaid. At the moment I am more than happy to take a back seat and give others a voice. I want to share the things that are happening to my friends and things that are going on in the world. I don't want to indulge in anything, I don't even want to open my mouth.

This lady here is tired, very, very tired. In fact, I have never felt so tired in my entire life. I am all kinds of exhausted. Everything is a tremendous effort. I can just about manage my household chores, work, making food. But these are necessities. I have to keep on top of them. Everything else? I've put it in a box for now. One day soon when I am feeling less exhausted I will open that box and take a good look at what needs to be done.

For now I want to ignore birthdays, important events or anything that requires the use of my brain really. When one feels as exhausted as I am now, that's only fair. I want to look at pretty pictures, dream about taking a ride on the Star Ferry in Hong Kong, or just sleep, sleep and sleep some more.

It has taken me a month to get over my China jetlag. I had none when I got there but when I got back I was a wreck. These days sleep somewhat soundly although I still don't seem to get enough sleep. I'd like a full week of just sleeping, and that's the bare minimum. A month would be even better.

You know what? This is a depressing blog post. I don't like it when the cheery, sarcastic me isn't around to share hilarious stories about my fish, or go on and on and on about Mr 王力宏. That side of me is temporarily on holiday, her writing is on hiatus. Instead, all I have for you is a miserable post that doesn't actually say anything, give anything away or mean anything. There is only one thing that this blog post tells me and that is that I'm not suffering from writer's block. On the contrary, it seems that if I do sit down to write the words just keep pouring out of me...

For now I am only sharing those words I am happy to share, everything else needs to wait. I feel like I've said that a million times too. It seems when you have nothing to share but mindless chatter you develop a knack for repeating yourself.

I better stop before the repetition gets too much or this blog post turns into a miserable diary entry of a woman in her mid-twenties who should really know better than to write whiny teenager-like entries of this sort.

At least you now know that I am alive, just not 100% in top from. I need to find about 95.9% and once I have recharged my batteries I will let cheery, chatty and sarcastic Selly back out of her cage. For now gloomy, silent and exhausted Selly holds the reigns.

I am sure a better day will come soon and I will look back over this blog post and wonder what the hell I was thinking writing such boring and mindless nonsense on my blog and publishing it too.

I'd love to say that you can all shower me with chocolate and cookies and coffee but I am actually on a strict diet...or should I say I have drastically changed the way I eat? I have lost 15kg since February and I am determined to keep going. It's getting somewhat tougher now but my initial success is what keeps me going. I am having a whole bunch of fun with this. I haven't set myself a goal or a weekly target - I have enough of that shit in work - I just take each day as it comes and keep checking my weight on the scales ever so often. Whenever it's going down, I am happy. There is no better inspiration than a cooperating scale. Oh and before you ask, I don't have a secret, I am not starving myself and I am not living in slimming drinks or counting Weight Watcher's points.

Thanks for lending me a listening ear to vent my frustration. While I haven't told you anything at all, writing this post has made me feel a whole lot better. So thank you!

Until the next time!