In an attempt to be semi-poetic I'm stealing a line from the James Morrison song "Broken Strings" for the title of my blog post. For no particular reason other than I felt it fitting, for reasons I'm not entirely certain will be revealed in this post unless you, my readers, are very good at reading between the lines and understanding what I didn't write.
I don't have much to say because I'm not looking for pity and yet I want to say so much that it feels like I could fill the pages of an entire book.
I'm not quite sure how to put what I want to say into words but my romance with the Chinese fish is over. It drowned for lack of oxygen. A fish and a landlubber are just not compatible, not for a long anyway.
"My" fish, and I'm using quotation marks because I'm not sure he was ever mine to begin with, slipped out of my grasp like fish do. I should have seen in coming but loves makes you blind and stupid and everything in between. It's the most wonderful thing, yet it's also the most painful thing that can happen to you.
I'm not going to kiss and tell, not in a situation like this, that's just not my style, but well it's over. This past year and a half I've cried enough tears to fill the East Lake twice over and then some or so it feels like. I've put on a brave face when inside all I wanted to do was fall apart. A lot happened but I'm not going to air my dirty laundry in public. Anyways, there are always two sides to a story and since the fish is not around to share his I shall not share mine. Let's leave the accusations, the hatred, the anger, the hurt and everything else outside where it belongs.
Most of my friends seem to believe that I'm just putting on an act and that I'm going to fall apart sooner or later but I'm fine, really I am. As fine as you can be when you've lost someone you loved deeply, someone you were planning a future with, someone who's children you were planning on bearing...
Like I said I'm not looking for pity or comfort, it's the least I want and need. I have something happy in my life right now but it feels so fragile and new that the thought of sharing it terrifies me right down to my very core. I'm so afraid of losing this something happy, that I don't quite have just yet, that I just want to grasp it as tightly as you can grasp something so fragile and hold it really close to my battered heart. I don't want to share and no amount of persuasion can make me change my mind until I'm good and ready.
For now I just want to share the news of what I've lost, although I do realise that I'm being cryptic about it and not giving away many details. Then again what's there to give away when talking about a break up? I could blame him for a million things and I do but I prefer to do that in the privacy of my own head. I'm not famous, nobody cares about the saucy details, not that they really matter. It just didn't work out and I couldn't even explain how or why or when it all started to go pear-shaped because that's the part that I don't understand and I don't think I ever will. I'm not going to get that kind of closure but that's okay, I'm a writer, I have imagination, I can spin a story together faster than you can blink. Something comforting with half-answers and half-truths that will console me yet keep me grounded if I ever do fall apart.
I'm sorry that I have no juicy details for you on why the white girl and the Asian boy had no future after all but I will tell you it definitely wasn't cultural differences. In my opinion, anyone who cites that as a reason for a break-up just didn't try hard enough to make the relationship work and understand the other person. When two people love each other and want to be together the discovery of two different cultures can be the most beautiful and magical thing ever. I think two people can turn that kind of mutual understanding into their strongest bond and it can be just as strong as the love they feel for each other.
One thing astounded me these past few weeks though. Out of the few people I told about the break-up, 3/4 called me a liar, as if I'd make something like this up for fun! I can be very funny and extremely sarcastic but even I have a bottom line and I would never steep so low.
I am also aware of today's date and it's ironic indeed that I chose today to present you all with a truth I've so desperately been longing to share but didn't feel ready to until now, until today. There really is some sort of twisted irony in this. Rest assured, this is not an April's Fool's joke although I can't help but wonder...if it was, could I have pulled it off?
Anyway it's all out in the open now and even though I haven't pressed "publish" just yet but will do so in a moment, I feel incredibly relived. I've finally done it, I've written about it and that's the best cure there is.