Unspeakable Sadness

Yesterday was a truly sad day. I lost my baby before I could even tell anyone I would be having one. Some people knew but not nearly enough.

All I have now I a little angel playing with her brothers and sisters in heaven. It all happened rather fast and while I tried to process things yesterday I'm not doing a very good job. When I woke up from sedation I was cheery and cracked a few jokes, I was hungry while getting my IV and my friend dutifully went to get me some food, after the first round of IV treatment I was exhausted, weak and unsteady on my feet. I cried most of the night and I feel like crying now. I also want to laugh. Mostly I don't want to feel anything though. There's no pain but in my heart there are an otherwhelming force of emotions just waiting to flow over and possibly drown me. I want medication but I don't know what good that will do. Will it just delay the flood of emotions that's inevitable or will it break things down into bite-sized emotions, one a person can deal with and digest accordingly?

I've always seen writing as a kind of coping mechanism, no matter if it's a blog post I'm writing or a fictional story. Any kind of writing has always been good for my soul and that's why I'm choosing to write about what happened because I just about have enough energy to do that.

I don't feel like talking but I want a pyschologist, someone not easy to come by in China. I don't want to see any friends but I want them by my side. I don't want to answer questions and I don't feel like doing anything. I can't decide if I want to watch a movie or just lie in bed and stare at the wall. The thought of walking for two feet makes me feel tired and exhausted. I have no idea how long I slept last night, but I vaguely recall getting some phone calls which I all ignored, even when my dad called.

I'm not looking for condolences, hugs and tender loving care, in fact I'd rather you didn't touch me, but I know that if I want to clear my head I need to put this event into words.

I've felt emotionally confused in my life before but I don't think I've ever felt like this. I'm honestly not sure that I have the ability to deal with the aftermath, I don't want life to continue as normal because it isn't normal. I couldn't tell you what it is right now. I feel numb writing these words because I'm not letting myself feel anything right now but if I do I feel just feel unspeakable sadness, loss and there is an gaping hole somewhere in me.

I don't know where I want to be right now and who I want to be with. I don't want to face anything right now, don't ask me to make a decision, the result will be disastrous.

I wish I could say I'm feeling better and that writing this post is a cure, while I'm sure it is, things just don't work that fast.

My little angel's name is Sascha. It's too early too tell if it would have been a boy or a girl but I thought the name was perfect. In my heart my little angel is a she and I had a name picked out for her already. I had a back up plan, in case it would have been a boy of course, but I can't help but think of my little angel as a little princess. My angel died yesterday, she's gone to heaven to play with all the other angels. The 25th of September 2014 will forever be a dark day.

Please don't ask me to feel or to forget, that would be cruel and I couldn't do it anyway.

I had no intention to ever write this post but sometimes the things that happen are just out of our control.

If you recently had a baby or are going to have one please don't take offence if I seem a little cold or choose to ignore you. I want to cope with my own feelings first before I even attempt to look at all the other things I will have to cope with. Thank you.