So. 30. Uhm. Are there any expectations now that I've officially left my twenties behind? Should I be more mature? Smarter? Wiser? Have it together? Calmer? Relaxed? Have all the answers I didn't have in my twenties? Or should I be freaking out? Panic? Run for the hills? Mourn the loss of the innocence you feel at twenty?
I think I'll settle for coffee and cake before making any major decisions.
To be quite honest, I've been dreading this day a little, I mean, I love my birthdays and I get insanely excited about celebrating them but somehow hitting the big 3-0 has made me wonder where all the time's gone. I mean, I don't feel old, but somehow ten years have flown by and looking back at it, well it seems like leaving Germany and moving to Ireland happened ages ago. Then again, it also seems like moving to China happened ages ago.
A lot happened in the last ten years, there's no question about it. I've definitely become smarter, more mature, I've grown up, and found myself, at least I think I did. I'm still not sure where I stand though. It seems like now, especially now, I'm at a crossroads. I wonder what's expected of me...
Some of the dreams I had in the last ten years have come true, some haven't. Not sure they ever will. Now that I'm 30, I find myself wondering whether I should give up on some of those dreams. Maybe they just aren't feasible? I've never been the type of person to want too much, well maybe secretly, but I've always tried to remain realistic. I've never set the bar too high. Maybe it was/is to escape disappointment...that one is a bitter pill to swallow after all. I don't have a lot of dreams but the few I do have, just wondering about letting them go fills me with a kind of terror that makes me want to run the other way. I don't have much to let go off, so I'd like to keep a little magic for those wet and rainy days where there's nothing to do but dream.
I think I'm pretty lucky actually. Feeling like I didn't belong, I left Germany behind just weeks after officially becoming an adult. Somehow I managed to carve out a life for myself and though I made a bunch of mistakes, I didn't do badly. I had it together for the most part. I could have made a few different choices, gone about some things differently, but what do you expect of a twenty-something hot-tempered gal? I wasn't perfect then, I ain't perfect now and I'll never be. But I'll definitely try my best to be the best I can be.
Clean slate, I guess. I've a good deal of life experience under my belt now, so I should be able to handle things better. I'm definitely going to try and be the best version of myself that I can be, but I'll do that on my own terms. There's a couple of things I'm no longer going to give a shit about and people can either deal with it or get the hell out of my way, things are just that simple.
So, here we go, below is my personal bucket list for the next ten years.
1) Keep it Real.
I'm gonna keep things real, simple, I'm gonna stay in the now. I'm not yet exactly sure how I'm gonna go about it or what it will entail, but this is something I need to function. I'm not going to give up on dreaming, but I'm gonna keep my expectations reasonable and I'm gonna work hard to get achieve them. I'm not going to sit there, letting time go by and hope that I will magically find the things I want alongside the road, I'm gonna go fight for what I deserve.
2) Go to Hell, it's My Way or NO WAY.
Yes, you read that right, go to hell with everyone's expectations of how I should live my life, of what I should have achieved already and still need to achieve. It's my life and my happiness isn't your happiness, so get with it. I've a different opinion on what makes my life colourful, what makes it worthwhile and I'm gonna do things exactly the way I want to. If, in your eyes, that makes me a bitch, I'm down with that. If, in your eyes, that makes me immature, then I'm also down with that. I refuse to be be stuck into a box and labelled. I am my own person, I'll handle my life the way I see fit, thank you very much.
3) Stop Wasting Time.
I'm gonna stop wasting my time on people who don't deserve it, don't care for it, don't want it. My time is precious and if you want some of it, you better be willing to pay for it. Not with money, not with gifts, not with fake pleasantries, no, the only currently I accept is time. If you want my time, you better be willing to give me yours, that's only fair. My time is precious and if you want it, then I want yours. If you're not going to give me your time then I'm sorry, but I don't see a future for you in my life.
4) Fair Weather Friends.
I've a bunch of friends who stuck with me through thick and thin, and although I don't see most of them very often, I know that when I need them they'll be there, just like they know that I'll be there if they need me. As for the rest, those 'friends' who shower me with compliments only to benefit from me in some shape or form, well they can get lost. I'm going to stop giving a crap about them, that ship's officially sailed. It's time to be with those people whom I love and who love me, the rest of you? You're officially out of my life, don't bother trying to worm your way back in. You had your chance, you didn't take it.
5) Stop Giving A Shit.
Yep, I'm gonna stop giving a shit about a bunch of things. Like, you don't like me? That's your right, I'm not gonna give a shit about that anymore because I have people in my life who like me and I don't need you. I'm also gonna stop giving a shit about what other people think of me. I've always said that I don't care what other people say about me, but somehow those words always found a way to leave a scar. Well, I've had it, I'm no longer going to sit at home crying because of something someone said. No, no more. From now on all those opinions will go in the one ear and straight out the other. I mean it. There's no point.
6) Me First.
I'm gonna be egoistic and I'm gonna put myself first when I feel the need to do so. I think I've always done it, but I'm gonna keep insisting on continuing to do that. My dreams, my needs, my desires. From now on, they will come first. If that doesn't suit you, you know where the door is. What I want and need is important and I deserve time to work on that.
In the last couple of years exercise has become really important to me and I've fallen in love with it. I've discovered that it's something I really need in my life, it doesn't only keep me healthy, it's also my way of releasing stress of getting rid of all that's bad. I need it and there must always be time to exercise. So I'm gonna keep going, I'm gonna exercise and keep fit and hopefully stay healthy.
I've always been a rather hot-tempered red-blooded hothead, quick to fly off the handle, with a loud voice and an assertive stance. Though I've cooled down a lot over the years and I'm much, much calmer and relaxed now, I still lose it sometimes, so I'm gonna do my best to stop doing that. For my own good, otherwise I reckon I might just end up with a bunch of stomach ulcers in the near future. Since I've no interest in that, I'm gonna try my best and keep cool, even if others don't. I'm not going to stop being passionate about what matters the most, but I'm gonna think twice about blowing up into people's faces.
I've not exactly been the luckiest bird when it comes to love, I've scars and burns to show for, both physical and emotional ones, and for a while there I thought about giving up on love altogether but I decided not to. To hell with those scars, to hell with the burns, instead of giving up I'm gonna love even more fiercely and even more passionately than before. I deserve love, a lot of it, and I have a lot of it to give. But, you'll have to earn it. Give me shit and I'll let it hit the fan. I deserve honesty, I deserve to be someone's queen.
10) Let it be.
The past is the past, I can't change it. Not in this life and not in the next life. I'm gonna let it rest. Like I said, clean slate. What's done is done, enough with the regrets, enough with the wishing it never happened. It's not gonna change anything, except make me feel miserable, so from now on, the past is going to stay exactly where it belongs. In the past.
I didn't think I'd make it all way the way to ten, it was a bit of touch and go there for a while, but it seems that I do, kind of, know what I want. This is going to take a bunch of work but I've got time to do it.
|Here's to a new decade of awesomeness.|
|This is scary. Especially because all things math terrify me.|
|True that. I think I finally know what I want I'm damn well gonna make that happen.|
|Is there anything else to say?|